Losing a Parent as an Adult: When Grief Meets Identity
When we lose a parent as an adult, people often assume we’ll cope better. We’re grown, independent, perhaps even parents ourselves. Yet many clients tell me that this particular loss hits harder and deeper than they expected. It’s not just the absence of the person, it’s the shifting of the ground beneath us.
A parent’s death can quietly rearrange our sense of who we are. The person who once held the story of our childhood is gone, and with them, a part of our own history feels lost too. As Julia Samuel writes, grief is never only about losing someone, it’s about losing the part of ourselves that existed in relation to them.
Even when the relationship was complicated, the impact can be profound. Some people grieve what was, others what never was. There may be relief mixed with sadness, guilt tangled with love. We may find ourselves revisiting old hurts, re-evaluating how we were parented, and wondering what we’ve inherited, emotionally and psychologically from them.
For many, this loss also opens a door to something more existential. We are confronted with our own mortality in a way that feels newly real. The generation above us has gone, and suddenly we are next in line. Fear of illness, hypervigilance about the body, or a heightened awareness of time passing can all surface after a parent’s death. As Irvin Yalom writes, “the fear of death is always in the background of human experience, it’s the worm at the core.” When someone close dies, that worm wriggles closer to consciousness.
Philosopher and existential therapist Emmy van Deurzen speaks about how loss invites us to re-examine our values and our place in the world. Grief, in her view, is not only about endings but about finding new meaning and responsibility in life. Losing a parent can propel us into that deeper reckoning, asking who we are now, and how we want to live with the time we have left.
As painful as it is, this kind of grief can also lead to profound growth. It can reconnect us with what truly matters, soften our judgements, and deepen our empathy for others. Over time, the pain often becomes woven into a more spacious understanding of life , one that holds both sorrow and gratitude.
If you’ve lost a parent, whatever your age, your grief is valid. Whether your relationship was close, distant, or complicated, it’s natural to feel unanchored. The work of mourning is, in part, the work of rediscovering yourself in a changed world.
If you’d like support in making sense of your grief, you can find out more about therapy at Holden Place Therapy.
