The Verdict on Grief and Guilt: Not Guilty.

“I feel so guilty.”
It’s a phrase I hear often in therapy, and rarely from someone who’s done anything wrong.

There’s guilt for not being there at the end, guilt for surviving, guilt for laughing, for forgetting for a moment, for moving forward, for feeling ok, even briefly. It’s as though part of the grieving mind believes that feeling bad is a sign of love, or that to suffer greatly is somehow to stay loyal and not forget them.

But guilt, in most cases of loss, is misplaced. As Julia Samuel writes, “We cannot save those we love from death, however hard we try.” Yet so many people still punish themselves for what they couldn’t control: a missed phone call, a delay, a decision made with imperfect knowledge. When we love someone deeply, the mind searches for meaning in their absence and guilt gives us an illusion of control. Guilt suggests, "If I made a mistake, then it's possible I could have made the right choice instead."

The truth is simpler and harder: death happens, often without fairness, order, or sense.

Psychotherapist Emmy van Deurzen would say that guilt after loss points to the ethical dimension of existence, our wish to live a good life, to do right by others. When we grieve, that wish can turn harshly inward. But compassion, not punishment, is what allows us to move forward healthily.

In therapy, I often invite people to look at guilt through a different lens. Instead of asking, “Did I do enough?” we might ask, “What was in my heart?” Usually, the answer is love, care, and a deep wish to protect, even when the outcome was beyond your power.

Irvin Yalom reminds us that guilt and regret are part of being human. None of us navigate life without missing something, misunderstanding someone, or wishing we’d done more. But self-forgiveness isn’t self-indulgence; it’s a way of honouring the truth, that love, and imperfection always coexist.

Letting go of guilt doesn’t mean letting go of love. It means recognising that love doesn’t need suffering to prove itself. You can grieve, remember, and live fully, without apology.

If guilt has become part of your grief, you don’t have to face it alone. Talking it through can help you understand what your guilt is really trying to say and begin to release what was never yours to carry. You can find out more about getting grief support at Holden Place Therapy